“This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. 13 There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” John 15:12
Jesus says that the commandment is to love like He loved. That’s not the same thing as, how well others are loving us in return. I’m not saying that’s unimportant. I’m simply saying how well you love others and how well you’re loved in return are not the same question – one is completely within your control and is a decision you have to make, the other is less so.
And I point that out not to discourage anybody – but to simply say that to most people when you talk to them about loving people and being in loving relationships, we think about romantic love, don’t we? We think about the flowers and chocolates we want someone to deliver to us because we deserve it. At least that’s what Facebook and Instagram want us to believe, isn’t it? How many posts have all of us seen where in the wake of a break-up someone was declaring to the universe, “I DESERVE TO BE LOVED THE WAY I WANT TO BE LOVED. I WAS THE GREATEST THING TO HAPPEN TO THEM! I DESERVE SOMEONE WHO PUTS ME FIRST! WHY? BECAUSE I DESERVE IT!” People talk a lot about love, and when they do they tend to talk about what they deserve and what they think love is supposed to feel like. Anybody who’s going to be with me, they just better know that I’m the greatest thing that has ever happened to them…
Well… You might be the greatest thing that’s ever happened to them… But that’s not the measuring stick of love in Jesus’ view. Jesus says that the greatest love, the real test, isn’t about the love you receive. It’s about the love you give. It’s about whether you can love people like He doe. And the way he loves people is sacrificial. It’s bottomless. It’s unconditional. The person who loves well, lays down their own life for the sake of those around them.
In describing love in 1 Cor. 13, Paul says you want to love well? Here’s what it looks like: Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. That’s the definition of a successful life, says Paul. Do that. That’s laying your life down for those you love. Jesus says, you learn to do that,and in God’s eyes, that’s success.
Now, in Jesus’ case, laying down his life for his friends was a literal action. Nobody is calling you to go out of here today and die a literal death – either emotionally or physically. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for someone, especially in an abusive situation, is to lay down a boundary and protect it. But jJesus knows something here about how love works that we don’t like to talk about on Facebook or Instagram, or ANYWHERE ELSE – that loving people well is going to be the cause of the greatest pain in your life.
It'll be your greatest sacrifice. It’ll be your biggest hurt. It’ll be the hardest thing you ever do. You’re going to have to choose to do it, because it’s not going to naturally choose itself. In fact, your nature is going to fight against it – not because you don’t want to love the people in your life – but because loving them well means that you’re going to have to do things you don’t want to do. You’re going to have to face things you don’t want to face. You’re going to have to name things you don’t want to name. You’re going to have to work through conflicts you don’t want to work through. You’re going to have to dig up stuff from your past and work through it that you would rather just blow past. You’re going to have to disrupt your habits of mind and your thought patterns and redefine everything in the world you think of as NORMAL. Because for you to love people well, it means that not only do you need to let them into your heart and make yourself vulnerable to them – which can be a huge source of pain all unto itself when that doesn’t go well – it means that you need to remove the stuff within you that prevents you from loving them the way you should.
When I went through the hardest years of my life – roughly 2013-2018ish – I was massively depressed. I got on medication that caused me to become overweight and unhealthy. I was getting handed to daily by my anxiety and insecurity. I was a shell of myself – and I knew it. It affected my thinking, it dominated my feelings, it wrecked my identity – It was awful. And here’s the thing – you can’t experience these things and have them NOT affect your relationships.
I reached a point where I had to decide a few things – and I had to decide them not for me. I had to decide them for my kids. We went through some stuff as a family, and I knew that if I’m going to be even kind of the dad my kids need me to be, if I’m serious about loving them well through it, then that means a few things need to happen –
I’ve got to go to counseling 2x per week for a period, not because I want to, but because I need to get to the bottom of this stuff so I can be better for them. They need me as stable and consistent as possible, so loving them well means manning-up and get to the bottom of my issues and finding some healing. Nobody said it’s going to be easy. But that’s the job.
That means unearthing some things that aren’t pleasant to face. That means falling on some swords I didn’t want to fall on. It means I needed to put in the time and the work and the discipline to lose the weight I had gained. It means I need to make a decision to choose a new thought pattern when I old one’s were pulling me away from them. Again – if I love them, if they matter to me, if they are important to me, if these are the people that God has entrusted to me, if this is who He’s given to me to love, then my attitude towards them needs to be: love them like Jesus – I need to die to self, pick up my cross, and follow Jesus.
Do you know how hard that is to do? That’s like difficulty level 10,000! It’s unrelenting! But my kids need a dad! And my grandkids are going to need a grandpa! And my family needs a brother and a son. The best gift I can give them is the healthiest version of me. And I can’t give them that if I won’t face the pain of getting myself there. This is why the Bible says it isn’t good for man to be alone – because when you work through this stuff in relationships, THAT is when you’re going to become the person you’re supposed to be. This is your discipleship. This is following Jesus. You want to get to the victory of the empty tomb? AWESOME! Pick up a cross and follow!
And this is to say nothing of the fact that once you’re there, the hardest conversations you’ll ever have are about relationships. The toughest conflicts you’ll ever work through are in your most intimate relationships. That argument with your boss at work? It’s child’s play compared to the conflict in your marriage.
Nobody says this stuff on Facebook – you know why? Because we think love is supposed to feel good ALL THE TIME – and it can feel good. But to get to the good you have to work through the pain! You don’t get Easter Sunday without Good Friday. Greater love has no one than he that lays down their life.
Your greatest pain will come from loving people well. Ask Jesus about the scars in His hand the next time you pray. He’ll tell you about the pain. But he’ll also tell you why it was worth it. He’ll tell you about the joy that was set before him. That’s what the bible says drove Jesus to the cross – because it’s true: Relationships will be your greatest and most intimate souce of pain. But the pain we experience in them now is a part of the joy and the victory we come to know in them later on.